


How to Build a Façade

by thisaccountisdone



Category: Community
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-08
Updated: 2011-11-08
Packaged: 2017-10-25 20:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/274696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaccountisdone/pseuds/thisaccountisdone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff doesn't care. You may not believe it but really, he doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Build a Façade

He doesn’t care. He’s not _allowed_ to care. He has to be better, stronger, and faster. He can’t let anyone or anything weigh him down. He tells them that but they laugh and say he loves them. They make jokes. That bites a little but he pushes it back and turns back to his phone. He’ll let them believe what they want but he knows the truth. It’s survival of the fittest, kill or be killed, dog eat dog. Caring would just slow him down.  
  
He hasn’t got a problem. He works out too much and eats too little but it’s okay. He looks good. It pays off. He can drown himself in women and push back the insecurity and that other thing nagging at him. He doesn’t know what it is but, the thing is, _he doesn’t care_. Sometimes he’ll look at another man and something inside will tug at him but he doesn’t focus on it. He won’t allow himself to focus on it.  
  
It’s best not to have expectations. That’s another part of not caring. No one can let you down if you don’t expect anything of them. Of course, that’s not why he doesn’t have expectations; that’s just a positive side effect. He won’t let them tell him that there’s something wrong with this. He won’t let them break through. He built the walls until you could see them from outer space. Even when his back was breaking he stacked bricks.  
  
He’s cool and attractive. He wears nice clothes and he’s intelligent and charismatic. He reminds them that until he’s not sure if he’s trying to convince them or if he’s trying to convince himself. He laughs off the jokes and pretends not to hear them. He pretends that the gay jokes don’t bother him even when he can feel something shattering. Maybe he should tell them to stop. Maybe he should say something. Instead he turns away and grits his teeth.  
  
He tells himself it’s not a façade. He really doesn’t give a fuck. Something in his mind whispers, “Then why do you work out so much? Why don’t you eat?” He doesn’t have an answer but he won’t be beaten by his own mind. He has to be perfect. He spends too much time on his hair. He spends too much time picking out clothes. He works too hard and he hates himself for it. It would be better if he really didn’t care but, then again, he doesn’t.  
  
It’s worth the effort when he comes out flawless. Sometimes it seems easier to give up and give in. He wants to know what it would be like to eat more than celery and egg whites. He wants to know what it would be like to fuck a guy. He wants to know what it would be like to finally trust someone. What he really wants is to be someone. That’s what it would be, right? He knows he’s hollow. He knows he’s a shell. He won’t give in, though. He’ll keep it up until his mask cracks completely.  
  
He’s already given in too much. It’s stupid and it makes him feel worthless. He needs to be strong. If he lets them take him over, he’ll be a failure. He _knows_ he’s insecure and he _knows_ he isn’t exactly what he says he is but he’ll be damned if he’ll let anyone else know. It’s all part of evolution. The others are all staying the same but he’s evolving into perfection. They can all tell him that he’s lying and that he’s just hiding how he feels but they don’t understand. They don’t know what he knows.  
  
He knows that people are inherently evil and they’ll let you down in the end. He knows that you shouldn’t ever expect anything from anyone because they will crush you underneath their heel without a second glance. It’s best to build walls and not allow anyone in because they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them. He’s seen the way people are when left to their own devices. He has to exercise full self control.  
  
It’s being vulnerable that really gets him. He doesn’t understand how people open themselves up when they could so easily be hurt by the same person they trusted to keep them safe. He’s been there before and he won’t go there again. Other people make the mistake of relying on someone other than themselves but he’s not that dumb. If he ever let _someone_ else hurt him, he wouldn’t ever get past it. He would hate himself and hate them. He knows this, too.  
  
He’d prefer to hurt others. He has to be unattainable. He has to be the guy girls say slipped away and they wish they were good enough for _him_ even though he’s not good enough for anyone. Maybe he’s afraid of getting close because they’d see just how screwed up he really was. They’d see that the only good thing about him was his appearance and they wouldn’t stick around. He wouldn’t blame them, though. Sometimes he can hardly stand himself.  
  
He needs to stop that, though. He needs to stop thinking about it. If he doesn’t acknowledge it, maybe it will go away. It’s flawed logic but the world is made of flawed logic. He’s made his way through life using flawed logic. Of course it would work. It’s worked so far and he’s perfectly fine. He’s repressing a few things; working them out by sweating it out. But it works for him. He doesn’t mind the walls or having to work too hard to look good while looking like he doesn’t care. He tells himself he doesn’t care until he can believe it. When he can’t sleep at night, he’ll repeat it like a mantra until it’s at the front of his thoughts and maybe he can believe it. He doesn’t care; he never will.  
  
And that’s fine.


End file.
